Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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