I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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