She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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