Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
