Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
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so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
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Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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