There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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