i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
