y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
