I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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