She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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