my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
