just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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