You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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