If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
