Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
