My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
