Cold hands, warm shart.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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