so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I touched a dick in church today
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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