i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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