Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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