I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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