At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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