Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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