Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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