Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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