I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
