I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
high people should be assigned attendants
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
