Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
