I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Drake has all the answers
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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