My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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