I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
