the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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