My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
