Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
