he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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