you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
