There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
