I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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