So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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