you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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