I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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