i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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