She is in my trunk
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.