so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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