so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
