Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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