Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
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