Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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