Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
