dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
