We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
