there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
