Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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