I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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