I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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