I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
