morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
