i just had sex bonerless
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
