If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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